life@work

Help for the Job Search Blues

This month the Career Collective, a group of career coaches and job search experts, is offering help for the very discouraged job seeker. Follow us on Twitter at #careercollective. [photo by photolupi].

Are you singing the job search blues?

So many people have been searching for a job for much longer than they ever anticipated, and the stress of enduring such a discouraging process takes its toll.

Your self esteem may have plummeted, you may be facing financial hardship, and you may have lost hope.

Paradoxically, just when you're feeling so low, your primary job becomes showing employers and key contacts the most productive and positive side of yourself.

If you're feeling extremely discouraged, and the going has gotten really, really tough, try some of these ideas to regain your energy:

Structure your days.

Get up, get showered, make the to-do list and the schedule. Treat weekdays like work days, and create a plan. 

Alternate stressful activities with energizing ones.

To keep from becoming completely depleted, call those contacts then take a walk. Finish the cover letter, then go have coffee.

Join or create a group.

Searching for a job is isolating. Being part of a group where you help each other stay positive and on track can keep you going when you feel like quitting. The key is to limit your complaining and to focus on positivity and action. Meet weekly in person if you can. Have a structure and a facilitator, and help each other stay accountable.

Limit your consumption of negative employment news.

Keep reading inspiring career advice and stay abreast of your field instead of reading discouraging articles about the job outlook. You already know it's hard - you don't need to keep hammering home that point. That just helps you build a case for how you're not going to be successful.

Use effective job hunting strategies.

OK, this is something to do whether or not you're feeling discouraged, but it's especially important when your confidence is down. Don't spend hours scouring online job postings - it's too overwhelming and discouraging. Use a vertical job search engine such as Indeed to streamline your online job searching process and spend the majority of your time building and maintaining contacts.

Deal with only today's pressing issues, not the ones you imagine you'll have four months from now.

Do what you can to limit catastrophic "what if" worrying about the future. Recognize when you start to go down that road and instead focus on something you can do today to find work. Address today's pressing needs, and let the future unfold in time.

Don't whine publicly online.

Your extreme job search angst should not be available to prospective employers. Twitter, Facebook your blog, and wherever else you spend time socially online should reflect the image you want employers to have of you. If you must let it all hang out, create a private Twitter ID or blog anonymously (if you think it won't blow up in your face later).

Connect with the people who love you.

This is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself right now. Your tribe wants to support you and your success. Don't be afraid to ask for support, advice, guidance, prayers or whatever might help you stay strong and persist. 

The job search blues visit every job seeker from time to time. They're no fun to have. But if you can connect with your supporters, take care of yourself and focus on just today, you'll get through them and will feel like singing again.

I'd love to hear: What helps you when you're very discouraged?

Read what the other Career Collective members have to say on this topic:

@MartinBuckland, Job Search Made Positive

@GayleHoward, Job Search: When It All Turns Sour

@chandlee, Strategy for Getting “Unstuck” and Feeling Better: Watch Lemonade

@heathermundell, Help for the Job Search Blues

@heatherhuhman, 10 Ways to Turn You Job Search Frown Upside-Down

@KCCareerCoach, You Can Beat the Job Search Blues: 5 + 3 Tips to Get Re-Energized

@WalterAkana, Light at the End of the Tunnel

@LaurieBerenson, Ways to Keep Your Glass Half Full

@resumeservice, Don’t Sweat the Job Search

@careersherpa, Mind Over Matter: Moving Your Stalled Search Forward

@WorkWithIllness, Finding Opportunity in Quicksand

@KatCareerGal, Job-Hunting in a Weak Job Market: 5 Strategies for Staying Upbeat (and Improving Your Chances of Success)

@ErinKennedyCPRW, Dancing in the Rain–Kicking the Job Search Blues

@keppie_careers, What do do when you are discouraged with your job search

@DawnBugni, It’s the little things

@ValueIntoWords, Restoring Your Joy in Job Search

@jobhuntorg, Just SO VERY Discouraged

@barbarasafani Making Job Search Fun (Yeah, That’s Right!)

@GLHoffman, How to Overcome the Job Search Negativity

@ExpatCoachMegan, Dealing With Job Search Stress: Getting to the Source of the Problem

Mom's life@work Post #4: Why My Kids Should Tune Me Out

This post is the fourth in the "mom's life@work" series, which is bridging my work here with what I'm doing at Mom In The Balance. Other posts in the series include Help for the Working Mom, Blend or Separate? and How to Reduce Your Stress During the Second Shift.

I talk to my kids every day about what they should be doing - with their time, their attitudes, their toys, you name it - and frequently conveniently forget that how I live my own life is my most powerful tool of influence.

I can talk all I want to my middle schooler about being easy on herself when she makes a mistake, how it's important for her to take a break when she starts to feel overwhelmed, how gossip is vicious and should be avoided, and all of the other theories I have about growing up to be a successful, independent, compassionate soul.

But really it doesn't mean a thing if I'm hard on myself and talking trash about the neighbors. That's what she pays attention to - what's right in front of her face. There's a good reason kids tune out lectures from their parents - they often have nothing to do with reality.

As a mom of girls I'm especially aware of my Same-Sex Role Model status. What my daughters take in about how I live my life influences their view of their own potential as girls and young women. Of course their dad also is a huge influence, as he models who a man is and how a man treats himself, his partner and his children. Together we are a model of marriage for our kids.

As I encourage my daughters to pursue their interests and their dreams and remember my own mom always encouraging mine (she still does to this day!), I wonder what I'm modeling to them right now about being a working mom.

Here are some comments from my kids about me:

• You sure work a lot.
• Mom, you're always stressed.
• Could you just relax? (from the middle schooler)
• Mom's always busy.
• Mom, you need to chillax (yes, from the middle schooler again)
• I know what you're going to say, Mom.
• Who cares if the babysitter sees the dog fur on the floor?
• Mom, you never sit down.
• Do we have time for something fun today?

Ouch! Don't I sound like fun?

Being harried and humorless is not what I want for my life, yet so often I find myself going there. So many other moms I know seem to be there with me as well.

It's positively uninspiring, and yet inspiring my kids is something I very much want to do.

There's a lot I can do to rise up out of the busyness and savor and enjoy life more. There's also a lot I can do to focus on what's really important (connecting with the people in my life) and let go of the things that simply aren't nearly as important (getting everywhere on time).

I can talk all I want about what life can and should be, and my kids are right to tune me out.

But when my kids see me enjoying life, then they can see that future for themselves, too.

I'd love to hear: What are you modeling for your kids right now?

photo by heather mundell of her kids tuning her out

Mom's life@work Post #3: How to Reduce Your Stress During the Second Shift

This post is third in the "mom's life@work" series, which is bridging my work here with what I'm doing at Mom In The Balance. The first post was Help for the Working Mom, and the second was Blend or Separate?

  Last night at home from approximately 6:10 to 6:11 this is what happened:

• I was preparing chicken for dinner
• My younger daughter called out to me to log her on to the computer
• While I was out of the kitchen, Nico the Crazy Cat jumped onto the counter and started licking the butter
• I came back into the kitchen and yelled at the cat
• The cat jumped off the counter
• Caleb the Barking Corgi started chasing Nico
• My older daughter yelled from upstairs, "Mom! I need your help right now!" "What is it?" I called back.
• She yelled something unintelligible
• "Come downstairs and tell me! We're not a yelling family!"
• The phone rang
• The garlic burned
• I really started to hate chicken

Even though I enjoy my work, I'm still tired at the end of the day, and often crave peace and quiet, a nice glass of wine, and at least a three-minute, interruption-free chat with my husband.

With two school-aged girls and a couple of energetic pets, usually just at the time I'm ready to unwind and relax, I start the notorious "second shift", where I work as planner/chauffeur/chef/nurse/housekeeper/drill sergeant, aka mom.

Sometimes I can roll pretty gracefully with the chaos and the busyness and the unending list of things to do. At times I even enjoy it and feel grateful for the full life I lead and the wonderful people I live it with.

But that second shift of work that we moms (and many dads) face after we get home from work or emerge from the home office usually feels pretty stressful.

Here's what makes that time feel stressful instead of energizing or engaging:

• We're tired. We don't get enough sleep, and we've had a full day before the second shift begins.
• We don't delegate.
• We don't let go of low priority tasks.
• We don't even know how to identify a task as low priority.
• We say yes to taking on more when we're already overfull. 
• We'd really rather be doing something else that isn't so repetitive and boring.
• Children are often at their most tired, cranky and unreasonable at this time.
• We feel guilty. About preparing a dinner that isn't perfectly healthful, about leaving others to take care of our kids, about having to leave the meeting early, about you name it.

There's a lot we can do to reduce our stress during the second shift. Below are some ideas. I am not an expert at executing all of the following, but when I focus on one or two of them on any given evening, I'm usually a much happier person:

Ask someone else to do or help with a task.

This could mean your partner, your kids, or someone you pay. Be willing to let go of absolute control over the outcome in favor of allowing someone else to help and relieve you of the responsibility.

Come up with your top priorities for an evening, and just focus on those.

Your top priorities might be a mixture of tasks you want done and experiences. For example, you might intend not to yell this evening, to ask your partner to help your son with his math homework, to make an easy dinner that takes less than 20 minutes, and to watch the season premiere of Lost that you missed last night.

Returning the phone call, getting the kitchen really clean, and the other dozen things that are on your list then take a backseat, to be completed or not, but not stressed over.

Commit to saying no unless you truly have plenty of time and energy for it.

Chaperone the field trip? Bring the snacks? Join the committee? Attend the meeting? Sign up for the class? Speak at the such-and-such group? Host your daughter's sleepover party? It's all no unless you have plenty of time and energy.

The requests will never stop coming, and you can't possibly say yes to them all without losing your mind. So pick and choose the commitments that are really important to you and gracefully decline the rest.

Re-frame the tedium

Repetitive tasks can feel oppressively dull or meditative and soothing. It's your choice. It's all about how you are talking to yourself when you're in the process of getting it done. When you can take a little pleasure in making something tasty, listening to your favorite tunes as you load the dishwasher, or appreciating that you have a home and a family as you help them transition from the workday to bedtime, you can feel a lot less bored.

One major caveat: If you are suffering in a terrible job or a terrible relationship, no amount of adjusting your attitude is going to significantly reduce your stress. You need the appropriate support and resources to change your situation.

Dump the guilt (or at least try a little bit)

All of the major decisions we make, such as choosing our partner, having children and accepting a particular job offer, come with trade-offs. Consequently we have a lot of mixed emotions and especially during stressful times can feel guilty for making the choice we did.

But in these kinds of cases, guilt is simply destructive. When you notice a thought coming on such as, "I feel guilty for taking this job and seeing my kids only two hours a day", see if you can remind yourself of why being in the job is good for you and/or your family. Gently shift your attention to the green grass over on this side of the fence.

Life during the second shift is often busy, crazy, and messy. I'm doing what I can do to see its bounty and lose the stressed-out thing.

So tonight I resolve to make the easiest dinner I can think of, appreciate my kids' good health and fascinating personalities, refuse to answer the phone, ignore the dog fur in all the corners, and one final, crucial thing:

Put a lid over the butter.

I'd love to hear: What do you do to make the second shift less stressful?

photo by Xti