life@work

Mom's life@work Post #4: Why My Kids Should Tune Me Out

This post is the fourth in the "mom's life@work" series, which is bridging my work here with what I'm doing at Mom In The Balance. Other posts in the series include Help for the Working Mom, Blend or Separate? and How to Reduce Your Stress During the Second Shift.

I talk to my kids every day about what they should be doing - with their time, their attitudes, their toys, you name it - and frequently conveniently forget that how I live my own life is my most powerful tool of influence.

I can talk all I want to my middle schooler about being easy on herself when she makes a mistake, how it's important for her to take a break when she starts to feel overwhelmed, how gossip is vicious and should be avoided, and all of the other theories I have about growing up to be a successful, independent, compassionate soul.

But really it doesn't mean a thing if I'm hard on myself and talking trash about the neighbors. That's what she pays attention to - what's right in front of her face. There's a good reason kids tune out lectures from their parents - they often have nothing to do with reality.

As a mom of girls I'm especially aware of my Same-Sex Role Model status. What my daughters take in about how I live my life influences their view of their own potential as girls and young women. Of course their dad also is a huge influence, as he models who a man is and how a man treats himself, his partner and his children. Together we are a model of marriage for our kids.

As I encourage my daughters to pursue their interests and their dreams and remember my own mom always encouraging mine (she still does to this day!), I wonder what I'm modeling to them right now about being a working mom.

Here are some comments from my kids about me:

• You sure work a lot.
• Mom, you're always stressed.
• Could you just relax? (from the middle schooler)
• Mom's always busy.
• Mom, you need to chillax (yes, from the middle schooler again)
• I know what you're going to say, Mom.
• Who cares if the babysitter sees the dog fur on the floor?
• Mom, you never sit down.
• Do we have time for something fun today?

Ouch! Don't I sound like fun?

Being harried and humorless is not what I want for my life, yet so often I find myself going there. So many other moms I know seem to be there with me as well.

It's positively uninspiring, and yet inspiring my kids is something I very much want to do.

There's a lot I can do to rise up out of the busyness and savor and enjoy life more. There's also a lot I can do to focus on what's really important (connecting with the people in my life) and let go of the things that simply aren't nearly as important (getting everywhere on time).

I can talk all I want about what life can and should be, and my kids are right to tune me out.

But when my kids see me enjoying life, then they can see that future for themselves, too.

I'd love to hear: What are you modeling for your kids right now?

photo by heather mundell of her kids tuning her out

Mom's life@work Post #3: How to Reduce Your Stress During the Second Shift

This post is third in the "mom's life@work" series, which is bridging my work here with what I'm doing at Mom In The Balance. The first post was Help for the Working Mom, and the second was Blend or Separate?

  Last night at home from approximately 6:10 to 6:11 this is what happened:

• I was preparing chicken for dinner
• My younger daughter called out to me to log her on to the computer
• While I was out of the kitchen, Nico the Crazy Cat jumped onto the counter and started licking the butter
• I came back into the kitchen and yelled at the cat
• The cat jumped off the counter
• Caleb the Barking Corgi started chasing Nico
• My older daughter yelled from upstairs, "Mom! I need your help right now!" "What is it?" I called back.
• She yelled something unintelligible
• "Come downstairs and tell me! We're not a yelling family!"
• The phone rang
• The garlic burned
• I really started to hate chicken

Even though I enjoy my work, I'm still tired at the end of the day, and often crave peace and quiet, a nice glass of wine, and at least a three-minute, interruption-free chat with my husband.

With two school-aged girls and a couple of energetic pets, usually just at the time I'm ready to unwind and relax, I start the notorious "second shift", where I work as planner/chauffeur/chef/nurse/housekeeper/drill sergeant, aka mom.

Sometimes I can roll pretty gracefully with the chaos and the busyness and the unending list of things to do. At times I even enjoy it and feel grateful for the full life I lead and the wonderful people I live it with.

But that second shift of work that we moms (and many dads) face after we get home from work or emerge from the home office usually feels pretty stressful.

Here's what makes that time feel stressful instead of energizing or engaging:

• We're tired. We don't get enough sleep, and we've had a full day before the second shift begins.
• We don't delegate.
• We don't let go of low priority tasks.
• We don't even know how to identify a task as low priority.
• We say yes to taking on more when we're already overfull. 
• We'd really rather be doing something else that isn't so repetitive and boring.
• Children are often at their most tired, cranky and unreasonable at this time.
• We feel guilty. About preparing a dinner that isn't perfectly healthful, about leaving others to take care of our kids, about having to leave the meeting early, about you name it.

There's a lot we can do to reduce our stress during the second shift. Below are some ideas. I am not an expert at executing all of the following, but when I focus on one or two of them on any given evening, I'm usually a much happier person:

Ask someone else to do or help with a task.

This could mean your partner, your kids, or someone you pay. Be willing to let go of absolute control over the outcome in favor of allowing someone else to help and relieve you of the responsibility.

Come up with your top priorities for an evening, and just focus on those.

Your top priorities might be a mixture of tasks you want done and experiences. For example, you might intend not to yell this evening, to ask your partner to help your son with his math homework, to make an easy dinner that takes less than 20 minutes, and to watch the season premiere of Lost that you missed last night.

Returning the phone call, getting the kitchen really clean, and the other dozen things that are on your list then take a backseat, to be completed or not, but not stressed over.

Commit to saying no unless you truly have plenty of time and energy for it.

Chaperone the field trip? Bring the snacks? Join the committee? Attend the meeting? Sign up for the class? Speak at the such-and-such group? Host your daughter's sleepover party? It's all no unless you have plenty of time and energy.

The requests will never stop coming, and you can't possibly say yes to them all without losing your mind. So pick and choose the commitments that are really important to you and gracefully decline the rest.

Re-frame the tedium

Repetitive tasks can feel oppressively dull or meditative and soothing. It's your choice. It's all about how you are talking to yourself when you're in the process of getting it done. When you can take a little pleasure in making something tasty, listening to your favorite tunes as you load the dishwasher, or appreciating that you have a home and a family as you help them transition from the workday to bedtime, you can feel a lot less bored.

One major caveat: If you are suffering in a terrible job or a terrible relationship, no amount of adjusting your attitude is going to significantly reduce your stress. You need the appropriate support and resources to change your situation.

Dump the guilt (or at least try a little bit)

All of the major decisions we make, such as choosing our partner, having children and accepting a particular job offer, come with trade-offs. Consequently we have a lot of mixed emotions and especially during stressful times can feel guilty for making the choice we did.

But in these kinds of cases, guilt is simply destructive. When you notice a thought coming on such as, "I feel guilty for taking this job and seeing my kids only two hours a day", see if you can remind yourself of why being in the job is good for you and/or your family. Gently shift your attention to the green grass over on this side of the fence.

Life during the second shift is often busy, crazy, and messy. I'm doing what I can do to see its bounty and lose the stressed-out thing.

So tonight I resolve to make the easiest dinner I can think of, appreciate my kids' good health and fascinating personalities, refuse to answer the phone, ignore the dog fur in all the corners, and one final, crucial thing:

Put a lid over the butter.

I'd love to hear: What do you do to make the second shift less stressful?

photo by Xti

Mom's life@work post #2: Blend or Separate?

This is the second post in the "Mom's life@work" series I'm writing on this blog. Read the first post, Help for the Working Mom, here.

Are you a blender or a separator?

I'm not talking kitchen appliances or bras here - I'm talking about how you navigate your work and home time, energy, and identities.

Blenders are most comfortable weaving family and work together. They like working from home if possible, and don't have set work hours. They can switch gears quickly between tending to their three year-old's meltdown to initiating that week's team conference call. They talk with their partner briefly at least a couple of times during the day. They're comfortable having one Twitter ID.

Separators want boundaries between work and home. They like to wear office attire to work and then change into casual clothes at home. They like to be fully present and engaged with work during work hours and fully present for their families and friends during non-work hours. They talk about work with colleagues and personal stuff with friends. They prefer to have separate Twitter IDs.

Most of us gravitate towards one style or the other. Either strategy works! However, it's helpful to know your preferred style so you can arrange your life as needed and avoid punishing yourself for not being the other style. 

We moms love to punish ourselves for not being _______ (fill almost anything in the blank) enough.  We can spend way too much time tripped up by vague and nagging guilt instead of just getting on with living our lives.

If you're a blender, you might want to:

• Discuss this with your family. Tell them that you move back and forth quickly between worlds so they can adjust their expectations.
• Talk with your family about your availability to them and how you'll signal to them when you need to be working.
• Plan adequate time cushions between appointments so that you don't have a client call in the hallway of your kid's elementary school.
• Set a time in the evening after which you won't check email, so you can get enough rest.

If you're a separator, you might want to:

• Discuss this with your family. Talk with them about what kind of availability you have to talk during the work day.
• Acknowledge that it's OK to make changes to your schedule for out-of-the-ordinary circumstances (for example, when there's a big deadline at work or when you have a sick child at home).
• Designate an area at home where you can work when needed.

If you know your preferences and are willing to be flexible, you can cut way down on the guilt.

Case in point: I'm an enthusiastic separator. I have three Twitter IDs (which I am re-thinking, by the way!) My friends and family hardly ever hear me talk about work. My clients and readers don't hear much about my vacations or movies I've seen. My Facebook account is for personal friends only.

I recently moved from a home office to an office space in my neighborhood, which feels fantastic. I don't work on the weekends. I seldom see friends during work hours.

It's lovely when this all works out.

But I can get rigid and feel really stressed when I'm too attached to this preference for separating, because, as we working moms know, the best laid plans usually have to be revised. A few times. And orthodontists don't work on Sundays. And I've got two kids who have crooked teeth. And so on.

So every once in a while I check email at 11 pm or send a client something on a Sunday or see my friend who's home with infant triplets (!) on a Thursday for lunch and manage not to have a stress attack because I'm blending more than separating. And this is real progress.

You don't have to do work and family any one way. Just do it your way, and talk with your family about how it can work for everyone, at least most of the time. 

I'd love to hear: How does it work for you to blend or separate?

photo by tilted horizon photography <by kyle>

When Worry Beckons You

I hope you have at least one friend in your life whom you not only like to be with but whom you admire and learn from.

One such friend for me is Coyote Karrick. We haven't known each other too terribly long, and we now live in different states, but that doesn't diminish how much I appreciate knowing her.

Coyote tells a story in her blog, Place of Possibility, about how she chose to feel positive during a time when worry beckoned (kind of like the piece of bagel on the floor did this morning to my dog, Caleb. Practically irresistible.) She tells the story with such humor and grace that I can't help but be inspired.

I'm good in a crisis. For whatever reason, I naturally move toward calm, measured, reasoned choices and actions. (I save the falling apart for later.)

But if there's no imminent threat of disaster, I'm a worrier. So many of us are. The fretting, the hand wringing, the "what if" thinking - it doesn't get me much besides broken nights of sleep.

I'm learning to postpone worry, to choose to anticipate, to stay more calm on a more regular basis. I don't think it means I'm putting my head in the sand and ignoring reality. In fact I think those practices leave me more skilled at recognizing reality and dealing with it.

What worry are you willing to let go of, even if it's just for today? See what happens when you push it aside and choose to see your situation through a different lens.

I've Got The Bad News Virus

I'm suffering from an illness you may be familiar with. It's called the Bad News Virus, and hopefully you won't catch it.

Symptoms: Feelings of general lethargy and ennui, pessimism, a desire to go on vacation.
Causes: Reading, listening, worrying and talking about bad news.

This blog exists to be a positive, useful, and hopeful bit of writing designed to support you, the person who seeks career happiness. But since the Bad News Virus has hit, creative juices have not been flowing.

I'd be set if this were a social commentary blog, a financial blog, or even just a blog filled with my uncontrolled ranting.

Do I need to go into details about the Bad News I've been ruminating about? Chances are you've been wringing your hands, too. The Bad News these days is seemingly everywhere if you read or listen to the media much, and even if you don't, I'm sure you're hearing some Bad News simply by chatting with your neighbor over the fence.

Viruses need to run their course - unfortunately there's no vaccination. But as I sit here feeling restless and agitated I'm aware that there are things I can do to mitigate the symptoms of the Bad News Virus.

Here are my suggestions for treating it:

Limit your news intake.

It's great to be informed, but if the news is giving you the Bad News Virus, take a break. I suggest skipping news stories about crime and freak accidents, along with the obituaries.

Don't focus on worst case scenarios.

The rumor mill at companies creates incredibly strong strains of the Bad News Virus. Speculating out loud about worst case scenarios quickly spreads it. The Virus lives on extreme drama, so check your catastrophic thinking.

Generate good news.

Help someone out, take action on something important, or simply take care of yourself.

Be grateful.

There are plenty of good things in your life and in the world - they just don't make headlines. Think about those every day.

Be in community.

The Bad News Virus thrives when you isolate yourself. Connect with others, even if it's just one other person. If it's the right person or group, the Bad News Virus symptoms will dissipate.

Is There Such a Thing as Online Privacy?

How much personal information should we be sharing on the Internet?

This is a hot issue for me right now, largely because of these issues:

1. Recently I returned from a 20-day road trip through California with my husband and two daughters. I didn't write about this before I left, because my mother taught me never to announce on the Internet when my house was going to be vacant (!)
2. While we were on the road I decided to set up a vacation blog and used Jott to record short posts to it. I sent the blog's URL only to a few friends and family members who I thought might be interested. I didn't think you would care very much about how I thought the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland is really well done or how we didn't go to Big Sur after all because it was on fire.
3. I have a Facebook account, but use my personal email with it. I'm using it only occasionally, just for personal reasons. I know I could use Facebook for professional purposes too, but I'm not sure whether I want to or what I would offer.
4. I joined Twitter just because all the cool kids are doing it and I was curious. I now don't know what to tweet, or who I want following me, or who I want to follow. Should I talk only about work? What about that tweet I did about how my seven year-old was annoying me?

So in a nutshell I'm pondering these questions, and I'm wondering whether you are too:

• How transparent do I want to be on the Internet?
• Can I separate personal expression from professional expression and have separate audiences - the personal and the professional?

As a career coach, I of course recommend that job seekers find and remove as best they can any of their "digital dirt" in case hiring managers are snooping around online and considering all information they encounter.

Many people believe that this practice isn't justifiable, that it is digging around in people's private lives that have nothing to do with their job qualifications.

But this view begs the question - is there such a thing as privacy online?

The issue of online privacy or lack thereof is hot right now, and I know there are a number of different takes on it. I'm interested in yours.

• Do you separate personal expression from professional?
• Do you maintain as much anonymity as you can?
• What level of transparency online are you comfortable with and why?

Heather Mundell
Dream Big Coaching Services
www.dreambigcoaching.com
heather@dreambigcoaching.com

Dream Big Coaching Services in the Press

Seattle Metropolitan magazine publishes a "Best of the City" issue each year, and I'm excited to announce that I'm featured in this year's list as Seattle's "top career coach"!

Seattleites will be interested to read about all of the stores, restaurants, activities and services featured in this July 2007 issue. You'll need to purchase the magazine to get all the details, however. I'm featured in the "Renew and Improve" section, along with an organizer, party planner, a budget-conscious stylist and many other services.

I started Dream Big Coaching Services four years ago this month with a mission to help people transform vision into action.

I had my mission, my coach certification, passion for what I was about to begin, skills and experience gained from a career in human resources, a variety of other talents and skills, time, support from my family, ideas and hope.

What I didn't have: entrepreneurial experience, marketing experience, or supreme confidence and certainty about how exactly my business would develop.

Over time I learned that I could gain the first two elements but would have to be comfortable with a certain degree of not knowing.

When I accepted that I wouldn't be able to predict how exactly my business would evolve, I relaxed into doing the work. I learned through trial and error, I hired my own coach, I talked with peers, I read, and I followed my natural talents and interests. Out went attending huge networking groups. In came blogging.

In the last four years I've had ups and downs, joys and disappointments, successes and failures. What I keep coming back to is the mission of my business.

My mission happens to be something I care about deeply: to help people dream big and then help them get out there and actually make it happen.

It's a thrill for me to love my job, and it's exciting to help others figure out how they can find career happiness, too. Today is a perfect day to reflect on the first four years of my coaching business.

What's your mission for your career?

Heather Mundell
Dream Big Coaching Services
www.dreambigcoaching.com
heather@dreambigcoaching.com

 

Be Yourself at the Interview

Almost fourteen years ago I interviewed for a job with someone who would subsequently become my manager and mentor. The last question she asked me in the interview was this:

"What's the most important lesson you've learned?"

Now when you think about it, that's a whopper of a question. You can go broad with this one or stay narrow. You can get personal or keep it generic. You can be flip or be serious.

But I didn't think about it. The interview had gone really well, I was relaxed, I was feeling confident, and I simply answered what popped into my head, which was something like, "To always be myself. Pretending to be someone else doesn't work."

I was 26 years old, and I was onto something. And I was hired.

The brilliance of my answer wasn't what got me the job. It was a sincere answer, and one in which I still strongly agree with, but that's not why I got the job. I got the job because there was a good fit between who I was, who my manager-to-be was, the job I'd be doing, and the company culture.

As this recent article from Career Journal points out, "fit" means a lot once you get to the job interview stage. You presumably already have been judged to possess the skills and background to perform the job. Now it's about whether you like them and they like you.

So at the interview, be the real you. Yes, it's smart to strategically plan for the interview. Winging it and spending no time on preparation are not strategically smart plans. Of course you want to plan, practice, and put your best foot forward in the interview.

But if you present yourself as a passionate evangelist of the product who loves to work on a team with a very loose structure, when really you have little knowledge of the product and prefer to work independently with objectives clearly laid out, you do no one any favors.

If you do get the job, it won't be a good fit for you. It will feel like walking out of the shoe store wearing an attractive pair that pinch your little toe no matter what socks you wear. You knew they weren't a good fit when you tried them on, but you really tried your hardest to like them. They're so nice looking and they were on sale, and you really needed new shoes.

Two miles later you've got one hell of a blister.

Don't lose yourself in the process of interviewing. You're looking for a job, manager and organization that fit you and in which you fit, and that might take a lot of trying on.

When you do find a job that makes excellent use of your talents and gives you the opportunities that you're genuinely looking for, you'll be glad that you didn't walk out of the shoe store too early!

(cross-posted at Career Hub)

Heather Mundell
Dream Big Coaching Services
www.dreambigcoaching.com
heather@dreambigcoaching.com

Technorati Tags: interviewing, job interviews, interview skills, career hub

Five Things About Me

Eek, I've been tagged with a meme!

I hadn't heard about these until recently. It's the ol' chain letter of the blogosphere if you ask me. But I'll bite.

Carrick was the culprit who tagged me, and since he, a private guy, was game enough to come up with five things that you may not know about him, I figured I can do it too. I'm much more of a blabbermouth than he is. Plus his post was hilarious and therefore inspiring. Plus I didn't know a lot of that stuff about him, which was intriguing. (I'm Carrick's sister, so I thought I was in the know!)

Since this usually isn't a personal blog, I'll try to keep this concise. Please skip this post if you couldn't care less!

Five Things About Me

1. I just absolutely despise beets. You can roast 'em, you can pickle 'em, you can drizzle a lovely vinaigrette on them in a salad, you can whir them into a soup, and I just can't stand them. It's just about the only vegetable that I can't choke down.

2. I never took a single math class in college. Wow, how'd I manage that? Lemme tell you, it wasn't because I tested out of the subject! My college did not require a "core" set of classes in order to graduate. So math was just out of the picture for me. Hey, I can figure out percentages and use a calculator, so I'm pretty set for life. And yes, I managed to skip organic chemistry as well.

3. Other people's travel photos bore me to tears. "Ouch!" a few of you whom I know for a fact have shown me your vacation photos are now saying to yourselves. But let me clarify. I love to look at the photos you've got up on flickr or the album you give me free reign to peruse at my pace. Just please don't make me sit through your slides or hold me captive as you explain each photo. First my eyes will glaze over and then I will fall asleep, it's practically guaranteed!

4. One of my most embarrassing moments as a teenager was seeing (a very nasty) part of A Clockwork Orange at my date's house with my date and his father before his father drove us to a dance. It took poise to survive those moments, I'm telling you. Why someone decided having that movie on at that time was a good idea still utterly baffles me. Being driven to a dance by your date's dad should be enough to endure without full frontal male nudity being thrown into the mix.

5. I knew an HR career was not a great fit for me years before I left it. Why did I stay? I was in my 20's and needed to support myself, I was good at it even if it wasn't my heart's desire, I didn't have any better ideas, I was pretty risk averse, I didn't entirely trust my instincts, and I didn't have confidence that I could make a switch successfully. I don't have any regrets about staying, and I don't have any regrets now that it has been years since I left it and found work that is much more satisfying to me. Hey, it's all a learning process.

Now according to blog meme rules, I'm supposed to tag other bloggers. But since I've never been one for chain letters, you can decide whether you want to participate! I'd love to read about you.

Heather Mundell
Dream Big Coaching Services
www.dreambigcoaching.com
heather@dreambigcoaching.com

A Break from Blogging

Seems like I've taken an unofficial break from blogging for the last couple of weeks.

This is a sign for me that I need to make it official! It's time for a vacation from blogging. I'm looking forward to returning recharged and refreshed.

It won't be a long break.

And by the way, are you taking your vacation time at your own job? Many of us don't, because it's so much work before we leave and after we return, or because it's always too busy at work, or because we're convinced we're indispensable.

But you know what they say about all work and no play.

See you soon!

Heather Mundell
Dream Big Coaching Services
www.dreambigcoaching.com
heather@dreambigcoaching.com